This is about how I feel about the Bears this year...

What's worse than worst?
Bears' offense might find out after abysmal showing in Seattle

BY RICK TELANDER Sun-Times Columnist
First of all, remember NFL preseason games are little more than glorified practices.

Keep telling yourself that, and maybe it will help.

But the Bears' second exhibition contest of the preseason, Saturday night against the Seattle Seahawks, was painful to watch, no matter what it was.
''Offensively, we didn't get a lot done with our first group,'' Bears coach Lovie Smith said after the 29-26 overtime loss.

Yeah, didn't get much done with the second group, either. Or third.

Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, 22-year-old Caleb Hanie -- the quarterbacks for the Bears all look like run-of-the-mill, pick-one-out-of-a-hat guys, featureless crash-test dummies who will do a little of this, a little of that and not much of anything.

Of course, the quarterbacks are mere rag dolls in an offense so devoid of focus and firepower that simply to take a snap behind center is dangerous to one's health.

Grossman, making his first start, got splattered so badly on the first series of the game that you had to wonder if he's the slowest human on the planet or if the Bears' offensive line moonlights as a sieve.

That first series -- which started on the Bears' 20-yard line and ended on their 15 -- had the smell of a long, sad season to it.

When your first draft pick happens to be a left offensive tackle -- the most important lineman for a right-handed quarterback -- and that draft pick is already deep-sixed from back surgery, you have a potential mess.

Chris Williams, that 6-6, 312-pound alleged savior from Vanderbilt, right now is a dud of epic proportions.

(Excuse me, but did Williams ever practice with the Bears, or was he injured hot-tubbing?)

Does it matter who the QB is?
Forget Grossman getting plastered by blitzers. Forget Orton looking anonymous and just ... blah. I mean, how many times have we seen these things before?

And if young Caleb from Colorado State thinks he can count on young tight end Kellen Davis from Michigan State to make leaping, one-handed catches in coverage for the lone offensive touchdown of these contests, good luck, Cowboy.

The issue is the Bears' offense, the whole offense, with any quarterback at the helm. It looks like a stink bomb set to explode.

Winning these quasi-practices is irrelevant. The New York Giants went 1-3 in the preseason before winning the Super Bowl last February. The Indianapolis Colts went 1-3 the year before en route to the 2006 Super Bowl crown.

(Incredible, isn't it, to think the Bears were the Colts' foes down there in rainy Miami?)

But you want to look like you at least have a clue!

The Bears' offense generated 205 net yards, what good teams get in a half.

If there is a Bears running game, it vanished in a bowl of smoke along with Cedric Benson.

Grossman is so not the answer to the Bears' offensive woes that no more comment is needed.

''I was not pleased with what many of our offensive guys did,'' Lovie said in his perfected coach-speak. ''We didn't play well, and Rex was part of that.''

Nuff said.

But Orton?

He was 5-for-9 passing for 43 yards.

Which is like having two pennies and a lint ball in your pocket.

No, the Bears' offense can perhaps be best measured by the greatly skilled players on it. After Devin Hester, there are none. And Hester's credentials as a wide receiver, not just a kick returner, are still under construction.

And the offensive line? Dear God, has Jerry Angelo let that one slip away.

To line up behind the patchwork group of aging and sluggish men is to invite sudden death.

Numbers are down in the dumps
Everything is up for grabs on this offense.

How did this happen?

The Benson and Williams and Grossman busts are a start. But there seems to be a trickle-down of cluelessness.

What's special about a quarterback derby when you've got one at every position?

Last year, the Bears finished tied for 28th in interceptions thrown, 27th in first downs, 27th in total yards, 29th in third-down efficiency and 30th in rushing yards.

Grossman is showing signs of flustering and being ready to demand a ticket out of town.

Smith hasn't even declared his starting quarterback for the ''important'' third preseason game Thursday against the 49ers at Soldier Field.

''This will be my fifth year with this coaching staff,'' Grossman said after the game Saturday. ''I think they should know.''

They probably do.

There are 32 teams in he NFL. The Bears' brass might be wondering if an offense can rank 33rd.