In light of the upcoming Rambo gore fest/movie, I am resurrecting Rambo for a final chapter. Add as you see fit and make it a good one as it is the final chapter in a glorious life.
After another sleepless night, Rambo gets up off his beaten up sofa bed in the morning devoid of feeling and trying to find meaning in an otherwise meaningless life. “Why couldn’t Nam go on forever?” he asks himself not knowing whether he said it aloud or not. Rambo looks around his living room at a scattered mess of trash, food wrappers/cans, papers of nonsensical drawings, his own feces, and other miscellaneous junk. This is home. He sits on the couch and wipes the mess and litter on the cardboard box that serves as his coffee table and finds a large rat eating a leftover slice of pizza from who knows how many days ago. Rambo picks up the pizza with the rat and gobbles the whole thing down. He lets out a little belch and a long, abysmally stinky fart. After wafting the fart into his own nose, Rambo’s eyes perk a bit and he realizes he’s going to be late for work…again. John Jay searches the floor for the least dirty clothes, dresses, and runs out the door. He races down the street to the corner donut shop where he works as a donut maker/stock boy. He steps in the shop knowing he is late and already expecting to hear it from his boss, Mr. Murdoch. “Ram-BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” yells Murdoch. In a low deep grumble, Rambo mutters, “Sorry, Mr. Murdoch.” “I am sick of your excuses, Rambo! This is your last chance. You better have a great day today or it will be your last.” says the red faced Murdoch. Rambo nods and puts on his donut hat and goes in the back to start the first batch of donuts. Just as Rambo is about to get started, he sees another person already pulling out the first batch of donuts. “Rambo, this is Ming Lee. We brought her on to support during the busy times and she works cheap so make sure to show her around and get her up to speed.” orders Murdoch. Rambo thinks, “Up to speed? It’s f’ing donuts, duckfuck!” Sadly, this is one of those times Rambo actually says what he is thinking. “Ram-BOOOOOOOOOO!!!” yells Murdoch. “Just get to work!” he continues. Murdoch leaves and Ming Lee smiles shyly at Rambo. Immediately, Rambo is entranced by her Asian beauty. His eyes widen and mouth starts drooling as he has a disgusting/perverted grin on his mouth. Rambo remains speechless as finally he has found something that has caught his eye and given him a purpose. In an effort to impress the young Asian he starts showing off his skills with the dough, the fryer, and all the other contraptions like he is Tom Cruise from Cocktail except instead of catching everything and looking cool, he is dropping everything and making a mess and a fool of himself. Still, Ming smiles and claps in excitement. Recognizing that he has impressed Ming (at least so he thinks), Rambo asks her if she wants a coffee and does three flips and a sow cow up on the shelves that house the large bags of coffee beans. However, the weight and impact of Rambo on the rickety shelves cause them to buckle and down come the heavy bags of coffee right on top of Rambo knocking him out cold. Ming continues to applaud and laugh not realizing that Rambo is out cold…
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"Wambo! Wake up!" Ming Lee skips over to John Jay who's slumped against the wall with little cookoos flying around his head. He doesn't respond. Ming straddles over Rambo, winds up, and slaps his swollen face Clubber Lang style causing a slow motion impact with spit and blood flying from Rambo's mouth.
"UUUUUNNNNNNNHHHHHHHH!" Rambo wakes from his stupor and instincts take over. He sees a hazy figure standing over him and in a sudden and swift sequence, he kicks Ming Lee in the crotch, flips her over and ends up lying on top of her. Ming, unfazed from the steel toe to the groin, giggles and looks rather passionately into Rambo's eyes. "Oh Wambo, me wuv yoo wong time!" They embrace and kiss in the pile of coffee beans as the camera pans back and fades out.
Survivor's Eye of the Tiger blares and the credits roll...CUT AND PRINT!!!
BUT WAIT!!! The screen abruptly returns to the sloppy mess that is Rambo and Ming Lee and the music scribbles off as the needle is pulled from the LP.
Suddenly..."ROCKY BALBOA! ROCKY BALBOA!!!!" Someone is hollering throughout the donut shop. Ming Lee continues to smile gleefully. It's Duke from Rocky V. John Jay gets up, fixes his donut cap, and makes his way to the front counter. Rambo is so engrossed in the voice that he fails to realize that he is sporting a tremendous hard on. It doesn't matter and the audience doesn't realize as we all know that the HGH and steroid riddled body of Rambo has left him with the penile the size of the ball tip of a ball point pen. Rambo lets out a sigh and smirks as he thanks God Ming Lee hasn't figured this out yet.
Rambo comes to the front counter. "ROCKY BALBOA!!!!" screams Duke. Rambo looks quizzically at the large black man dressed in an ankle length mink coat (it doesn't matter that it is the middle of July) and slurs out, "Yo! I dunno no's Rocky Balboa. I tink you's gots da wrong place, fella!" Duke flashes a gold crowned toothy grin and says, "You are close enough. I have a guest outside that's been waiting to see you for a looooooooong time." A curious Rambo follows Duke to the exit door. They pass through the door and find...
Due to a lack of interest, I will take the liberty of completing the Rambo/Rocky saga.
Outside they find none other than Rex Grossman! Rexy has that perpetual stupid grin on his face and utters, "Rambo/Rocky, you want to play catch?" Sly gets the same drooling grin with wide eyes on his face. Rexy pulls out a football from his backside and fires it towards the stiff Rocky. Typical of Rexy, it goes sailing over Rocky's head and crashes into the siding of the paint chipped donut shop. Rambo quickly gathers up the ball, pulls out his signature hunting knife and jams the handle into one end of the pigskin. He fires it back to Rexy blade end in the front of the ball. The knife/ball nails Rexy square in the nads. The ball carries Rexy back until he is stuck to the wall of the building opposite the donut shop. Out pops two tiny peanut sized nads from Rexy's trousers. Rambo and Rexy lock into one final glare and Rambo utters in his patented low, rough grumble, "Touchdown!" Rexy lets out a little shriek and then slumps over.
Suddenly, "Gonna Fly Now" starts to play and all the Chicago Bear fans rush to the street and hoist Rambo on their shoulders and carry him down the street. Ming Lee watches from the donut shop with tears of pride in her eyes. In slow motion, the camera zooms in for a close up of Stallone's even more grotesque HGH swollen head as the lips on his non paralyzed side face curve into a sickly smile. He has found peace.
CUT AND PRINT!!!
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